YetMoreCrud

Battle Of The Sexes.

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 01:04:47 +0200

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOUR LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

Comments

Caught in the act.

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 19:00:06 +0200

I was wondering where all the fish from the pond had gone...

Now I know...

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Trollop!

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 10:46:21 +0200

Maybe I`m wrong, but because I`m expecting a troop of builders to come and refurbish the kitchen and hallway soon, I decided that their services are a little on the expensive side, so I`m planning to offer to pay them in "Kind".
Does that make me a tart?
A girl has to use her womanly charms in one way or another so why not in this manner?

By the way, Julie arrived home last night and IMMEDIATELY suspected that I`d been up to something, I must have a guilty consience or something because the started to interrogate me, asking "What have you done?" and stuff like that. She said I had guilt written all over my face, I almost dropped myself in it when I muttered "Sure it isnt lipstick?"

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Sexy Little Minx.

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 21:47:22 +0200

Ok julie was out and I found a bridesmaids dress that belonged to her sister, I also found some lipstick that Julie had foolishly left in full view in a locked drawer in her dressing table.
I took this pic and.... dont I look utterly gorgeous? I think I should have been born a female, I could have been a supermodel!
One little problem though... I took the dress off Before washing off the lipstick and...well the dress is covered in it now...
I stuffed the dress into a drawer so by the time she finds it, I`ll have thought up a good excuse. If I dont think of an excuse then shes gonna kill me, slowly, and painfully...

LOOK I WAS BORED, OK???

Comments

Once Bitten...

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 20:02:00 +0200

Remember the pic I blogged a few weeks ago with the cat biting my feet?
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No one told me that cats carry Rabies.
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I always thought that Britain was free of the disease...
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Aparrantly not...

Comments

La Voyeur.

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 10:11:54 +0200

That stupid cat was drooling at the window and making wierd noises, I went to look and he was watching my neighbours cats, Miss Tiddles and Tommy going at it like knives.
Anyone want a kitten?

GO ON MY SON, MAKE HER SQUEAL!

Top O The World, Ma!
After his 10 seconds of passion, Tom rests on my neighbours bin, has a cig, and grins to himself, in the knowledge that socks is watching him from the window with seething, hate-filled eyes.

Comments

The Pond.

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 10:06:27 +0200

Still looking a bit rough, but the plants are growing in the water and around the sides, and that should cover the lining and eventually give the pond a more natural appearance.

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Two Weeks Later..

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 10:00:57 +0200

The old pond, is now a bog garden, yesterday I got sick of the hole and as the weather was nice, I got hold of a few rocks, some soil, some grasses and a few other things and did this in under an hour.

Ok its still a bit rough looking, but give it a few weeks and itll look better.

Comments

One For Eyeballs2000.

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 13:11:48 +0200

A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting

for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked

his weight and found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby

was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He

pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while

in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get

dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk !"

I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!"

Comments

Are Men THAT bad???

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 13:10:17 +0200

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush

restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old

drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a

nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She

took to drinking right after we divorced seven years

ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness!" says the wife, "Who would think a

person could go on celebrating that long?"

Comments

Old Blogs.

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 12:28:33 +0200

http://dopplereffect.blog.co.uk/

http://direvilerubbish.blog.co.uk/

These are my old Blogs, http://dopplereffect.blog.co.uk/ Was the first and I think the sickest one, If you have the time and are in the mood for a little self-torture, why not abuse your brain stem and take a peek?

Comments

Grave.

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 12:18:39 +0200

I slaughtered Julie and buried her in the garden.
Noooooooooooo I did`nt!!!!
This is where my pond used to be, it was the result of three years work, there were around 20 fish in there, some quite expensive ones too, but a couple of months ago the little 12 year old bastard who lived next door thought it might be a good idea to throw huge rocks into the pond and kill all the fish.

They have now moved away, thank god, so I decided to move the pond to a sunnier position because none of the lillies in there were flowering and a lot of the oxygenating plants were dying.

So, yesterday I started to bail out all the water form the old pond, I intended to make the job last all week, take my time, and enjoy the experience.

I started work at 8am and it was all finished by noon, I worked through the pouring rain, and I was absolutely knackered! I`m not used to physical labour these days, and today every muscle on my carcasse is aching and throbbing, even my buttocks feel as if they were prized apart by a mountain gorilla and then reamed out by him and his entire family.
But the job is done, all I have to do is let it all settle down, let the reeds and plants start to grow, install a little fountain or waterfall, some floating lights, get a few more fish, get rid of the crappy ornaments that are there at the moment and then I can sit back and plan ways to move the pond YET AGAIN!
I`m never happy.
As for the old pond, I`m deciding weather to leave it as it is with the rockery there, extend the rockery, or simply put ornamental grasses there, not much will grow in that place because its north facing and that bit of the garden is always in shadow. Its only a small garden, but I`m an idle bastard so its hard work.

Comments

New.

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 12:06:29 +0200

It looks a bit small here but its larger than it appears, and by the end of the year it should look good, especially once I get a fountain and a waterfall installed, and all the water lillies are flowering.

Comments

Survivor

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 12:03:57 +0200

Out of the 20 or so fish I had in the old pond, Simon here was the only survivor, I`m hoping to get more fish to keep him company soon, and once all the plants grow in the water, he`ll be fine.

Comments

Scum!

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 12:01:44 +0200

Of course, HE had to get in on the act but as soon as it started to rain he legged it back inside.

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